So I’ve started my new project. I started going through my Roy box; old pictures and trinkets I saved. When I found his old postcards I started to get a little bit sad.
When Roy and I were apart, he’d collect postcards from all the places he’d travel. He’d leave me these little notes that used to mean the world to me. We promised not to say the “L” word until we reunited in the States.
When we met, we had only 8 days together before he had to fly back to Paris. On his last day, we spent the entire night making love and telling each other stories. I remember him singing me this song, “Midnight City,” by M83 and stroking my hair as I began to drift off. He begged me to stay awake and I did.
We were in some seedy motel and he asked me to take a walk in one of the ugliest little cities here in VA. I said, “Okay,” and somehow, holding his hand as we walked to 7-11, he transformed that city into something beautiful. He bought us coffee and cookies for breakfast and we sat on a bench in silence. Finally, he broke the silence and asked me if I could wait for him. I didn’t know what he meant, but he clarified:
“Just don’t sleep with anyone else and I promise I’ll come back to you.”
My heart was racing a million miles a minute as I responded calmly, “Okay.”
He rested his head on my chest and I hugged him close to me. In that moment, my life became a fairy tale. We started Skyping every day, all hours of the day and night. Eventually, he moved to Abu Dhabi where we had a nine hour time difference. I would stay up until midnight just to watch him get ready for work at 8 AM his time.
He’d stare at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world and when it was time to go he’d hang his head. He once told me that it was hard for him to be awake, knowing that I was halfway around the world sleeping and he could be there beside me.
It was so hard not to tell him I loved him in moments like that. I wanted to scream it to the world, I love this man!!!!!!! But I didn’t. We promised not to say it until we were together. When he finally did come back to me he brought me perfume, a scarf, a teddy bear, macarons from Paris and these postcards. Of all the things he gave me, the postcards were my favorite. He had loved me just as much as I loved him.
It’s moments like this, when I remember the love, the music and the love letters that I can’t reconcile where we are today. How could something so beautiful turn so ugly? How can a love so sincere become so faded? When I think like this it makes me sad, because it makes me question love in the future. I could fall in love with someone tomorrow and in such a short amount of time it can end. Is love real? Can it last forever? I guess in this aspect I’m a gambler. You have to play to win, right?
“Paris is one of the most, well probably the beautifullest city of the world!!! I can’t wait for us to come on romantic weekends together where I will show you all the pretty streets and shops, take you to all the fantastic monuments and museums and best of all make you taste the french food, yumm yumm. I love you to death mon amour, weekends in Paris with you mon ange would be a dream come true!!!
Je t’aime a la foille