My Four-Part Journev

Okay, so as always, I am struggling to decide where to begin. This wouldn’t be so hard if I were more consistent in my blogging. I was back in the day, when Tumblr was my favorite place to be all day, every day. Anyway, I’ve decided to split my blog into 4 parts per post. Writer, mother, fitness coach and lover.

Part 1: The Writer
Yes, you read that right. I have once again left a job in the service industry to pursue something else. This time, however, that something else is my dream. I am going to be a writer. I am a writer. Right now! The book has been coming along so well since I made this decision. I am at a goal of 20 pages a day, which is a bit outrageous, especially with all of the chaos that’s ensued these past few weeks, but we’ll get there later. I had originally been writing a novel, but have instead decided to write about my journey. How love, loss and personal development have shaped the way I am today. It’s full of funny, sad, and romantic anecdotes. I like to think of it as a Chicken Soup-like book for the soap opera lover’s soul. It’s my first book and I am getting this sucker out by April!

Part 2: The Fitness Coach
Here, I struggle to call myself a coach. I am by no means in any authority to tell anyone what to do in this area of their lives. If I did, I’d be a total hypocrite. After a few months in the service industry- consistently eating out, eating late and drinking with coworkers- I have gained all the weight I lost over the summer and am now 10 lbs over my happy weight.

However, I think this will absolutely benefit me in the long run, as I’ll be an incredible before and after story. I’m doing the whole 80-Day Obsession program as well as Shakeology with Beach Body and so far it’s SO HARD! Day 1 of the program went as follows:

  • I made my shake with the vanilla packet, adding almond milk and blueberries. This was the most purple shake I’ve ever seen, but it was super delicious!
  • I got my equipment ready and I looked sooo stupid trying to replicate all of these moves from Day 1 of the 80 Day Obsession program, but I was getting there and I could definitely feel the burn!
  • I forgot my charger at my husbands house and my laptop died halfway through my workout=/
  • Finally, I was doing so well with the meal plan until my husband invited me out for dinner at my favorite Italian place (also the place we met).

I am calling yesterday’s progress a bit of a flop, but today has been great so far so I’m not worried. I am going to do this!

Part 3/4: Mother & Lover
I may have forgotten to mention I recently got married. I mean, like, Monday last week. On February 26, 2018, I married the man that on here, I’ve referred to as Mr. Drama aka C. From now on, he’ll be “the husband.”

We got married for a barrage of reasons involving court cases, housing, insurance, but most of all we were in love. We were already taking care of each other in every way we could and we, as crazy as we are, we decided to go for it.  This man, who I have only known for 6 months, is officially my husband.

We spent the weekend together, solving problems and getting to know each other’s family. I met his dad and he spent time with my daughter who had a great time. Perceptive as my three-year-old girly-girl is, when I asked her if she liked my husband, she replied, “No, I like daddy.” How did she know that there was anything to compare. I explained to her as best I could that Daddy will always be Daddy, but the husband is a very good friend. “And he’s funny,” she said. She’s my little firecracker.

As I said, we were solving problems, mostly his all weekend so there was a lot of tension. Not between us, but there was just so much weight on his shoulders. All I wanted was for him to smile and Alexis and I did our best. He did a little, but by Sunday, I was emotionally spent. I had nothing left to give anyone.

Somehow, I woke up Monday (our one-week anniversary) and the second I heard his voice, I was recharged. He sounded better and I was on a mission to start my new fitness regimen, The Gratitude Experiment (written by my friend Sarra Edwards-you have to try it!) and of course I’m working on my book. He also gave me a task; I was to print an eviction notice and send it via certified mail and I am always happy when I cIMG_6510an do something, anything to take some of this man’s load…no pun intended, that is soo dirty!

Why did I marry a man with so many issues? Someone who I barely know, that’s got more baggage that Dulles International Airport?

All I can tell you, is that I have never been traditional. I’ve never been afraid to love fast or love hard. I’ve never been one to listen to the opinions of others, although I do respect them and heed good advice when I see fit. This is an adventure I wanted to p

artake in because I am in love with my husband. He has driven me crazy, broken my heart once or thrice, and our culture barrier is so real sometimes. None of it matters to me, because he enriches my life. He teaches me new things. He’s willing to try new things with me. We talk about traveling the world and buying houses and owning businesses and with him, I can absolutely see that future. He has all the passion, all the faith and all of the goodness I seek in other people (friends and lovers). When he touches me, when he holds me,

my whole spirit lights up and I’m smiling from deep inside my heart.

I may have lied a little when I said I wasn’t afraid. Of course I am. I know we’re still strangers in so many ways.  I have no idea if in the end we’ll find our Happily Ever After. I guess we’ll find out together.

Two Week Challenge Accepted

After quitting yet another job, I find myself with ample time to finish this novel. I have enough savings to get me through the next two months and I also have support from my family. Did I mention I got married this week? I am now living rent free in my husband’s house as of the 19th of March, so that helps.

I have always lived my life on this roller coaster of events and I’ve never regretted anything, because beautiful things have come from some of my worst decisions. I don’t regret marrying C, but I do have mixed feelings about him now. Let’s not talk about him today, because it’s too personal and too painful just this minute. All I know is that only time will tell.

Back to my book. I quit my job because it wasn’t paying. This is the year of $100,000 remember? I don’t have time to waste waiting tables when I know I am meant for more. I can feel it every day, in everything I do. I feel grateful that I can make the crappiest situations totally work for me and not against me. God (or “the universe” if you’re more spiritual) is always on my side. He’s always provided me with the right people and the right opportunities to change my life. He’s made travel possible. He’s blessed me with the most patient, funny and kind daughter; a girl who withstands change like a pro. He’s never shorted me on the romance I crave. I am going to write my first book in two weeks. It will be in print by the end of March.

I really think it’s time to take the leap of faith I’ve always wanted to and trust that all of this is happening for a reason. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. If nothing else, I believe that.


Single Mom Post

Cigarettes: 4 (so far…I’m halfway committed right now…)

Alcohol Units: 0

Exercise: Working doubles for the next 3 days so I’m missing gym time, but always on my feet…so let’s count that as lots of exercise

Pages Written: 2 on my break

Okay, so I have no idea where or how to begin, but let’s just start with the fact that I haven’t been completely honest with you on here. For one thing, I haven’t hidden my blog, so I do sometimes worry that someone I know will read my writing and know what’s going on in my life. I also wanted to focus on the aspect of being a writer and a single mom, more so the writer.

Today, let’s talk single mom stuff.

I’ve been seeing the man I’ve called Mr. Drama for about 4 and half months now. Fast. crazy and occasionally incredible months. I’m not going to lie, I’ve thrown in the towel on this man several times and as you know, if you follow my blog, he even pushed me to escape the state for a weekend of fun in Louisiana. It’s not all his fault. The flaws he has are ones that I wouldn’t mind dealing with if he didn’t have such a complicated family life. I’m talking the typical baby mama drama you see in movies. She shows up at his house randomly, they argue in public, they fight over money and cars and homes and their kids. It’s sad and unhealthy and sometimes even scary.

All of this, plus the idea that he might be seeing other women, has pushed me to kind of explore the dating pool. Since I work at night, my daughter is sleeping when I get off. While she is resting peacefully at home with her abuelita, I’ve been meeting men. Gorgeous, fun, kind men. It’s been fun and freeing. Of course, I told C (Mr. Drama) that I am seeing other men and he wasn’t thrilled, but he didn’t really ask me to stop either, which only leads me to believe he might actually be seeing other women.

Anyway, there is one man in particular. One that shares common interests. He’s sexy as fuck and doesn’t act like he knows it, but I know he does. He travels, he smiles, he texts and he’s always kind. We went out for a quick drink one night which then turned into a kiss, which ALMOST turned into more. I was honestly shocked by the whole thing because I didn’t know he was into me that way. by this point.

We went out again three nights later and wow… This man is bold. We’ve been texting since. I like that he’s so honest. At least with him, I know where I stand. We’ll be friends, maybe sometimes lovers, but neither of us are looking for anything serious just yet. I think he has commitment issues and right now, I’m just exploring. I’ve been in relationships for the past ten years and now I’ve just been through a lot with C… This guy is like a breath of fresh air and his kindness, his smile…he’s very comforting.

So I guess now back to C, the guy I’ve inadvertently fallen a little bit in love with. We’ve been seeing each other on and off for less than 6 months, but as much drama as he’s brought into my life, he’s also been my partner. The first person I call when I need a second opinion. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person when I fall asleep. We met through a friend who passed away and sometimes I think I was meant to make his life easier. While he is a lot to take on, it’s not all his fault and I want to be there to help him deal with all of it…

I feel like he’s got everything I lack and vise versa. We’re so different, but….

I don’t know. All I know is that dating is much harder than I thought it would be and at the same time easier. Does that make sense?

I am back on shift in just a few minutes so I’ll go for now. I’ll try and shed some light on all of this when I have time, but just to leave you with a bit of a cliffhanger, I think I’m getting married relatively soon.

Keep you updated when I can;)


Cigarettes: 0

Alcohol Units: 0 (but it’s still early and my coworkers can be VERY persuasive. Must resolve self to hit the gym after work and NOT get needlessly shitfaced).

Calories Consumed: 1400; I’ve been at work since 11AM and I used my free lunch on the fish tacos which were soooo worth it.

Exercise: I ran a mile this morning before work and now I work a double shift which is like 6-8 hours on my feet. That’s at least 500 calories burned and I haven’t decided whether  or not I’ll make it back to the gym after work (around 10ish tonight).

I am sooo excited! I am like 98% positive I am going to have off for the Super Bowl this Sunday!! My friend from work and I are hosting a BIG ASS PARTY! I’m talking streamers and paraphernalia, ALL PATS of course (I’m originally from Connecticut). There will be pool tables and couches, a mini fridge full of beer and I can’t wait! So many of my hot coworkers are also coming, so I refuse to get super wasted like I have in past years. Be smart, Jen!

I’ve invited C (aka Mr. Drama) because deep down, I still love him. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. It may not be the kind that lasts forever, but it’s superficially there. He’s the first thing I think about it in the morning and sometimes I even dream about him at night. I can get over him if it comes to that, but I don’t like fighting against things I want. Maybe he just needs time and space to get his life together. I know I do. If we meet other people in that time, it wasn’t meant to be. If we don’t, then I’ll be glad I waited for him. I think he’s worth it, even if he is a bit rough around the edges.

On a less intimate note, I’ve officially made it to the gym FOUR times this week! If I go again tonight or tomorrow, that will be five times. The next step is to start eating healthy. Fish tacos have got to go. That and literally everything else my diet currently consists of. I used to be so good. Veggie burgers and green smoothies. That’s okay, because this weeks goal was 4x at the gym. Next week will be totally clean diet. 27540773_10211213467643492_6715066539031629370_n

I had a three hour break in between my double shift today and am currently sitting at this trendy little vegan hangout in my dream neighborhood. They sell books and espresso drinks, desserts and the wifi is free. I got in a page of new material, but mostly I just edited and restructured placement of certain scenes. Once I get used to writing in public spaces I’ll start producing more. Did I mention that I also had time to write this blog post?


Choosing Your Mood…mostly, anyway

Cigarettes: 0… I’m craving like crazy, but I am going to do this. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything and everything else.

Alcohol Units: 0

Calories: Less than 1600

Exercise: 2 miles on the treadmill and 30 minutes with machines

Pages Written: 2

Today I feel accomplished. I spent time with my daughter, avoided my vices and I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. My team is playing in the Super Bowl and I’ve finally locked down a venue for that. I’m not going to lie, I’m keeping a bit of overwhelm at bay, but I’m choosing to let all of my blessings outshine the things I can’t control.

My daughter’s sleeping and I’ve accomplished everything important. Tonight, I’m going to snuggle up in my blankets and do some market research…aka I’m going to binge read one of my current novels. Tonight’s read is, They Both Die At The End by Adam Silva.

Writing and Reminiscing

Cigarettes: 4

Alcohol Units: 2 beers

Calories: Spaghetti and 2 beers

Pages Written: 15

Exercise: I’m certain I burned some calories walking around….

Today was a very down day. The kind where you try to be positive even though you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. I looked at a preschool for my daughter as I discussed custody scenarios with her father. I tried to imagine a life where I’m literally splitting her time with us down the middle and it made me sad. I’m used to being with her full time and these past few months of full-time work have brought us apart quite a bit.

I took a nap in the afternoon, which is always my go-to when I’m overwhelmed, and when I woke up, Mr. Drama- let’s call him C, from now on, well he was calling. I’d told myself to avoid him. Phase him out. I just couldn’t. I think I’m in love with him and that makes my heart feel heavy because I know it’s completely one-sided and I want to stop. We talked and I discovered more about him than I expected to. He’s got his parents visiting from his country soon and his ex has moved back into his place… Just overwhelming stuff that I have no say over. All I want to do is help him, but he never asks and he doesn’t like to talk about it. I don’t know why he tells me anything…

Then I came home and I wrote. I got lost in my story for a while and I’m happy again. For the most part anyway. I love getting lost in the words and moving pictures and places in my imagination. I love to feel the love emanating from characters. Then sometimes I begin to reminisce. When I take a break I reminisce about the love I once shared with the man that inspired this book. A love that wasn’t only requited, but also more fulfilling than I fear I’ll ever experience again. I reread an email for some late night inspiration and found this one.

We were a long distance couple so I had him fill out one of these surveys. He did it for me. Indulged me, even though he didn’t have to, he always tried to fulfill my silliest fantasies. The questions aren’t written, but he sent me the answers and here they are:

Day 1: Jennifer Gonzales, Basil Roy ❤

Day 2: Both 23 years old (well physically at least ; ) )

Day 3: Alexandria VA, London U.K.

Day 4: Through a mutual friend called Mustafa, he’s a nice guy ; ).

Day 5: First laid Eyes on this beautiful creature on the 30th of May 2012 and decided to be together on

10th of June 2012.

Day 6: I know that she is probably the only person in the world who is scared of little birds, even Canaries; ). Shy in front of sales people and buying condoms ; )

Day 7: Skype, phone, Facebook, English, French, Spanish, and Hotmail.

Day 8: The surprise night out in London, theater, restaurant, and view from bridgeUntitled

Day 9: Pictures of the summer posted in my room, because every time I wake up and fall asleep I get to see her.  

Day 10: She is the sweetest person I have met.

Day 11: Holding her hand when we walk in public, when we are sitting somewhere even if it’s to watch TV, and when we are in bed after making love or falling asleep together.

Day 12: Love to me is when your emotions are attached to the other persons, when she is sad I’m sad, when she is happy I’m happy, love to me is also someone who makes you happy when your around them and could be doing the most random things but these things are just so much  better with this person around, for example watching TV in a motel, sitting in a park, or even going grocery shopping. Love to me is when this someone makes you feel that you don’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Day 13: The lack of physically being able to express ones love.

Day 14: Spending Tuesday in bed watching a movie ,cuddling, and making love all day, afterword’s watching her get ready and look so beautiful, going to the movies, I love having dates with her alone, taking cute pictures which we can keep, eating the exact same thing, and holding her throughout the entire movie enjoying the time together.

Day 15: Stand by Me, (even though a nice guy ruined it a little ; ) )

Day 16: The last of the Mohicans.

Day 17: Notre amour nous attaché comme le soleil et attaché au ciel, qui éclair est donne de la lumiere au monde qui nous entour. (our love attaches us like the sun is attached to the sky, which brights up and gives light to the world around us).  

Day 18: we are both really a happy in this oneUntitled2.png

Day 19: Mi Vida

Day 20: making her very sad twice (never will forget it)

Day 21: She is the first person I have been the most comfortable with in bed, with her I feel so comfortable to try out new things and almost everything, we can go to the mall and look at toys and costumes we could use, we talk about it a lot and have no shame in talking about others physical attributes. We can have all types of extremely good sex, rough, playful, erotic, best of all making love.

Day 22: One of my favorite times with her is when we went on a camping trip. We were in the car together for at least 10 hours, listening to our iPods with the broken iPod adapter, smelling the dead skunks which now I know why they call some weed skunk, stopping on the highway to a drink with her and getting the chance to hug her, we went all the way from Virginia to Connecticut passing through new York which was a sight to me, we got to the camp ground and walked through the beautiful nature discovering a piece of her childhood, good campers that we were we ate got beer and crackers for lunch at the local grocery store and eat dinner at a very nice and cozy restaurant, one of our first dates which I loved. Then she brought me to my first drive in movie which I have always wanted to do after seeing it in American movies such as the outsiders. We went back to the camp site at night a bit scared since none of us has ever camped in the wild and especially since her stupid roommates said there would be bears, after breaking into her grandma’s house earlier in the day at least we had a flash light to guide us to our tent, one last cigarette and lights out, she instantly fell asleep in my chest, I felt so good, she was scared and feeling like I was protecting her was one of my favorite feelings I get with her. The next day we were woken up by a cop, sorry the third I have talked to since I got to America ; ), who said we were on private property, we hit the road back to Virginia, stopping at Dive bar for lunch, I was so happy when she told me she likes these kinds of places. Then Stopping a bit in new York seeing the ethnic neighbor hoods of Manhattan. It was around 11 O clock and we decided to meet our friends at Luckies after driving a good 10 hours, made it At around 12, as always had a good time went home drunk and dreamt about one of the most Beautiful and romantic weekends. Thank you for driving me my darling and such a wonderful Weekend with you.

Day 23: I don’t know what she thinks but the closest song to being our song would be I think, Midnight City by M83

Day 24: She is around 150 cm, which is 5-2 for you Yankees, she is a mix which is good, and she comes  In dark long curly hair or short brown with golden strips, she has a beautiful tanned complextion The smoothest skin I have felt, she is perfectly proportionate with the most gorgeous attributes Which I cannot get enough of, she is petite which I love so I can care her everywhere and feel Like a protector, she has nice smooth legs and cute small feet which I can wrap my hands Around when giving her a foot massage, she has the cutest smiles and laughs I have ever seen,When she looks at me with her those beautiful big brown eyes my heart melts. She is like me very affectionate and needs to show how much she cares about Me, she is so adorable, the way she laughs, talks, walks, eat, sing, even when she is grumpy, Basically everything about her is adorable which I love so much, she is kind and caring but Not too much so that people don’t take advantage of her, she knows when to put her foot Down and I must say I don’t know if it her Mexican side but when she does put her foot down Watch out ; ), she can’t hold a grudge and she knows when she did something wrong, she is Spontaneous and funny, cheerful and full of life, she is so fun to be around and she brings joy And happiness everywhere she goes, I always want to be around her. she is has a very good Sense of character and knows how to work around a problem, she is intrigued and passionate About so many things, she is Jennifer she is my girlfriend and she is my sweet sweet Angel which I love.

Day 25: She forces me to use soap in the shower ; )  

Day 26: There are so many things I love about he: willing to drive anywhere in America, the surprise party she threw me, the journal she made me, I can not choose there are just too many.

Day 27: I would give her a trip around the world for the two of us.

Day 28: I would spend those 5 hours in bed cuddling, making love, talking, and telling her how much I love her.

Day 29: The 14th of Dec 2012 I’m flying her here to Paris

Day 30: Going to live with her in America, she will study, me work, and the return home to be with each other from a long day’s work and doing whatever we want on weekends, just living with each other in the same country will be the best feeling ever.

I feel like Basil knew me. Like he loved me in and out. Like I’m insane for settling on a guy that will never feel this way about me. 

Tonight I am an accomplished writer and a strong independent woman. If C can’t be the man that sees me through eyes like that, I want to be a spinster for life with a new novel out EVERY year! Who needs love when you can write about it. When I can close my eyes and remember it in all of its perfection. One day I’ll write a book, a nonfiction memoir about the man that wrote these words. The man that showed me all the things that life and love have to offer a person willing to really go for it.


New Orleans (2018: Trip #1 [of MANY])

So quickly before my post I’d like to do at least a weekly update on my progress POST vacation.

Cigarettes (since Sunday- yesterday): 4, I smoked one in the morning and one after work on both days.

Alcohol Units (I stole this from Bridget Jones, of course): 2 martinis after work tonight. In my defense, I had a rough day…

Calories consumed: Less than 1200 on both today and yesterday.

Gym? I went last night and worked as a server all day today.

Okay, so now that’s been sorted, I can tell you all about my first trip of 2018.image3

I arrived in New Orleans at 11 AM(-ish) and my first stop was Cafe du Monde for the most incredible beignets and cafe au lait. I walked the French Quarter, stared at all of the street art and stopped at several places for drinks- including Pat O’Brien’s for their world famous Hurricane. Needless to say, by 4 PM I was already pretty tipsy and I needed to nap.

I checked into my hotel, unpacked in a flash and fell asleep for two hours. I woke up to my phone ringing and picked it up to find an unknown number calling. I brushed my teeth before calling back and of course, it was drama from back home. The new man in my life, the one that drives me so nuts, I flew out of state to escape his drama, is tied to a woman that still loves him like crazy. Did I mention she’s the mother of his kids?

Anyway, she calls me to let me know that he’s said several horrible things about me, which I’m not sure aren’t true. She also said he’d been with her the night before and tried to sleep with her, which I know isn’t true, because I’d been with him the night before… The whole conversation led to me calling the guy, who didn’t really make me feel any easier about any of it. We’re culturally incompatible and I began to realize, that he probably isn’t worth all of this drama.

So out I went, to my first real jazz bar on Frenchmen Street, which all of the locals prefer to Bourbon Street. I listened to jazz, talked to men in suits and women in corsets. I drank, I danced and I ate pizza at midnight. Then, I went home and talked my Lyft driver’s ear off.

On the second day, I tried ice-cream and macaron’s at Sucre. I at Chargrilled Oysters at Acme. I hung out at the Old Absinthe Bar (which I found out today is my hot bartender’s favorite hangout-he goes to NOLA once a year). I did not enjoy the sazarac (the oldest cocktail). I found the only Latin club on Bourbon Street, Chris Owens and danced til my feet hurt. I rode the bull at the Bourbon Cowboy. Got on stage at Razoo’s. Took shots out of the mouths of women…several! Then finally, I drunk dialed Mr. Drama. All I did was tell him I missed him, but I regretted it immediately the next day.

image4On my final day, just before my flight, I went back to Pat O’ Brien’s, my personal favorite place and had another hurricane. I tried the Hand Grenade at Tropical Aisle and the alligator bites at…I don’t remember where. Some place with barber beer?

I also got to Facetime with a handsome Irishman that I met on vacation in the Dominican Republic. He’s someone I’d love to date, but he’s been married twice, so I know he’s a heart breaker. Still…he always calls. Always wishes me congratulations when I accomplish something and encouragement when I’m failing. He always calls and introduces me to his friends when he’s at the bar. His daughter calls sometimes and she’s a gem. Such a beautiful young lady with a sense of humor I know she got from Dave. If he didn’t live so far away, I’d love to see where that could go.

BUT…I’m an idiot.

On my first night home from New Orleans, I called Mr. Drama. He made it seem like he wanted to see me and I wanted to be with my daughter, who I’ve realized is the one person in the world that can keep my crazy, impulsive-self, in check. So I brought her with me to see him. He lives 5 minutes up the road, if that, and we were just gonna catch up and maybe he’d stroke my hair and tell me he missed me.

Instead, he seemed disappointed and proceeded to play video games for 20 minutes before I left. He’s been strange since I got back and while I know he’s got a lot going on, so do I! I’m a single mom. I work FULL-FULL time. Nights, weekends and doubles. I’m writing a book, a blog and attending the gym 4 nights a week. I’m raising my daughter and spending every spare moment with her. Yet somehow, I never find it difficult to text him back, call him before bed or randomly just to ask how he is… I’m not saying the man has to dote on me all day long, but I know I deserve better at this point.

The shit part is, I’m certain I fell in love with him at this point. How do I know? Because knowing these things, does not make it easier to let him go. I know I have to do it. I know I’m going to do it, but a little piece of me is still begging him to get his shit together and make it up to me. I really do believe he’s a wonderful man and he’s capable of doing great things. I just don’t want to be caught up with a man who will take away from my wonderful… So far, I find all of my greatest accomplishments are born from being alone. I meet more people. I’m less afraid of judgement. Most importantly, the only person I answer to is my daughter and she’s pretty agreeable (much like her mama).

In sum, my New Orleans trip has taught me that travel is great last second- better when planned. The food and drink are wonderful, but the people of Louisiana are a bit nuimage1 (1)ts. Never travel to run from your problems, because they follow you everywhere. Just resolve that shit and THEN pack a bag.

I think my next trip MIGHT be Vegas (coworkers invited me for February), but I have a feeling Seattle is in my near future. If nothing else, I can wait just a few short months (two) and find myself in Paris. All I know is, I definitely prefer to travel with friends, so let’s aim for a travel partner.


Mommy’s 2018 Fuck-It List… I Mean Bucket List😅

1. Quit smoking… this one is so hard because if I’m honest, I don’t actually want to quit. I hate the smell. I hate that it’s not healthy. I hate that I randomly get cravings. It’s just the thought of giving up those emotional cigarettes, the post-coffee-cigarette, post-food-cigarette, post-coital-cigarette… this is a tricky one, but I’m putting it on the list because I want to be stronger than my cravings this year.

2. Make money and pursue new and exciting opportunities. This is the beginning of a me I barely recognize already. This is the year I am going to grab every single opportunity, quit working jobs I hate and learn how to make life my bitch.

3. Grow spiritually. Pay more attention and be grateful to God and the universe for always providing me with everything I need to be happy and more importantly, make my daughter happy.

4. Tone physically. I want to go to the gym, 4 times a week, no matter what. I’ll run a minimum of 3 miles and I’ll tone my tiny tummy. This resolution should also include that Alexis and I will eat more nutritious rich foods.

5. Love! I want to love myself, my daughter and God more than I have in the past. I want to feel it, give it and receive it freely and fearlessly. Love is the most powerful energy out there and I like to believe I’m a pretty powerful lady.

I am currently traveling on a Spirit flight to New Orleans. I can’t believe I’m taking such a last second trip, but I needed it now more than ever. As the first month of the year comes to a close I’ve definitely found myself wavering here and there on some of these resolutions. Especially the smoking. I’ve worked really hard at a semi-new high end serving job so I’m paying my dues and not making as much as I will when I return from my trip.

I’m also seeing a man that I truly don’t understand. So much so, I’m not even sure I love him as much as I think I do, which I know doesn’t makes sense. I know I love it when things are good between us. I admire him and his accomplishments. I love watching him be a dad with his kids. I see a bright future between the two of us because we’ve both got this spark or joie de vivre… or at least, I thought WE did. Him, I’m not so sure these days.

The trouble is his baggage has caught up with us. His ex actually showed up at his house while I was there and jumped in my car before I could leave. She asked to talk and told me all of these things about him loving women and some of it seemed very plausible. Needless to say, after 3 months of believing we were building something incredible, I found myself a little bit heart broken…but also not… I wanted to cry, but the tears never came.

Instead, I ran for five miles, a personal best, and I booked a flight to New Orleans that night. I also went out with coworkers that made me laugh and one that made heart do this little flip it tends to do when I’m happy. He’s a bartender and oh my goodness… He is so beautiful that it almost hurts talking to him because you’re controlling the impulse to lick his face. Okay, that’s crazy, but there’s a wide consensus between my coworkers and we’ve unanimously decided that he is the most gorgeous man in the “office.”


He tried to buy me a drink, but I didn’t let him because I’d missed his birthday this month. We asked each other all of the questions you ask when you want to get to know the other person. I found out he has a government job. He has two kids and two baby mothers. He’s only a year older than me. He’s got 10 tattoos and Oh My Goodness!!! Out of his uniform the man is even sexier… how???


I don’t know it will go anywhere, but he reminded me that my heart still beats and even does acrobatic flips when it wants to. I don’t need a man to be happy. I can find it in my own ways. Travel, run, Love! When my daughter is old enough to appreciate and more importantly, retain memories of it, I’ll start bringing her with me on these bigger trips, but for now, this mama needs a weekend to be a woman. Just a tiny traveler soaking in  new people, new culture and new experiences.

Je T’Aime A La Foille

So I’ve started my new project. I started going through my Roy box; old pictures and trinkets I saved. When I found his old postcards I started to get a little bit sad.

When Roy and I were apart, he’d collect postcards from all the places he’d travel. He’d leave me these little notes that used to mean the world to me. We promised not to say the “L” word until we reunited in the States.

When we met, we had only 8 days together before he had to fly back to Paris. On his last day, we spent the entire night making love and telling each other stories. I remember him singing me this song, “Midnight City,” by M83 and stroking my hair as I began to drift off. He begged me to stay awake and I did.

We were in some seedy motel and he asked me to take a walk in one of the ugliest little cities here in VA. I said, “Okay,” and somehow, holding his hand as we walked to 7-11, he transformed that city into something beautiful. He bought us coffee and cookies for breakfast and we sat on a bench in silence. Finally, he broke the silence and asked me if I could wait for him. I didn’t know what he meant, but he clarified:

“Just don’t sleep with anyone else and I promise I’ll come back to you.”

My heart was racing a million miles a minute as I responded calmly, “Okay.”

He rested his head on my chest and I hugged him close to me. In that moment, my life became a fairy tale. We started Skyping every day, all hours of the day and night. Eventually, he moved to Abu Dhabi where we had a nine hour time difference. I would stay up until midnight just to watch him get ready for work at 8 AM his time.IMG_5888

He’d stare at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world and when it was time to go he’d hang his head. He once told me that it was hard for him to be awake, knowing that I was halfway around the world sleeping and he could be there beside me.

It was so hard not to tell him I loved him in moments like that. I wanted to scream it to the world, I love this man!!!!!!! But I didn’t. We promised not to say it until we were together.  When he finally did come back to me he brought me perfume, a scarf, a teddy bear, macarons from Paris and these postcards. Of all the things he gave me, the postcards were my favorite. He had loved me just as much as I loved him.

It’s moments like this, when I remember the love, the music and the love letters that I can’t reconcile where we are today. How could something so beautiful turn so ugly? How can a love so sincere become so faded? When I think like this it makes me sad, because it makes me question love in the future. I could fall in love with someone tomorrow and in such a short amount of time it can end. Is love real? Can it last forever? I guess in this aspect I’m a gambler. You have to play to win, right?

“Paris is one of the most, well probably the beautifullest city of the world!!! I can’t wait for us to come on romantic weekends together where I will show you all the pretty streets and shops, take you to all the fantastic monuments and museums and best of all make you taste the french food, yumm yumm. I love you to death mon amour, weekends in Paris with you mon ange would be a dream come true!!!

Je t’aime a la foille


To Fictionalize, Or Not…That Is The Question.

If you follow my blog then you already know my novel is based in part (mostly) on my past relationship. My ex, we’ll call him Roy, gave me a taste of the world and I’ll always be grateful to him for changing me in all the best ways. Well mostly anyway, I do have a barrage of trust issues that I won’t even get into at the moment.

When I started the book, I wanted to get it all out of me. The leftover love, the memories of us making love and exploring the world together. It was so beautiful and so moving in my mind. I just can’t write about him as he is today. The whole novel is so hard to touch because now I’ve been disillusioned. My main character didn’t grow into the sophisticated diplomat I pictured him to be. He’s arrogant, sexist, lazy, horny and just so frustrating. He was all of those things when I knew him, when I loved him, but back then I guess the love overshadowed it all. I also assumed (like an ass) that he’d grown and matured.

So the point is, I’ve thought about turning my novel into a memoir or a book of essays. Or maybe just writing out our story the way it was; the way it really happened. I mean it was exciting and beautiful. When I remember the past it’s easy to get going. I can write about our first kiss at my favorite bar, the first time we made love, my first international flight. It all seems beautiful just as it is. Turning it into fiction is hard because when I write Roy’s character, I can’t picture anyone falling in love with him today. Myself at 22 and now 28 are very different. 28-year-old me can turn back the clock and remember how it felt when he proposed on the bridge in London. I can remember the first time he said “I love you.”  All these things and more are so beautiful, just as they are.

Have you ever read The Cat Who Went To Paris by Peter Gethers? It’s a book about a guy and his cat and it’s absolutely enjoyable. As much as I want to write novels, I think my first book is a memoir. A book of my favorite stories, life lessons, mom lessons and love failures. So, in that case, I’m going to start posting sample chapters and I really need your feedback on them. I am going to have something done by the end of the month. Novel, novella, or memoir.. I will have my first book finished this month.

Let’s go, baby!

Love always,


Starting Over

“Strength shows, not only in the ability to persist, but the ability to start over.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I stopped keeping up with this blog shortly after deciding to start it. My novel was coming along wonderfully, but my personal life was not so perfect. I was living with my baby’s father, working a job that fostered my not-so-slight alcohol problem and I was facing everything alone. I told myself that everything I did was for my daughter. Working the night-shifts, staying up late and working the day as a nanny. Living with her father in a perfect apartment, but spending each day arguing with him about the menial day-to-day issues like dishes and laundry. When I finally decided to leave it all, I realized that maybe it wasn’t for her. Maybe I just enjoyed the apartment and the comfort of two incomes. Maybe I enjoyed my night job because I felt young and sexy, the nightly tips didn’t hurt either; I was making quite a bit of money. The thing is, with two jobs, a shit relationship with your non-partner-partner and 3-year-old in constant need of mental stimulation, you burn out. I did just that.

So what changed?

I met someone that inspired me to take action. Stop saying you’ll change things, you’ll get there and just do it! Change. So I did. Mostly, anyway. I left my ex’s apartment and moved into a basement apartment with my daughter. Now my ex and I are mostly great together. For one thing, we both love our daughter to bits and we do what’s best for her at all times. We also have the freedom to be who we want without judgement from the other…again, for the most part.

I quit my job at the night club and am now living off of my savings account while I search for a job that will provide for me while I write my novel. That’s the goal. I want to write my book. I want to finish college and show my daughter that education is life. Dreams are achievable when you work hard and you believe in yourself. I still have my nanny job, which isn’t much, but it’s getting me by while I search for the perfect semi-permanent job. It’s going to be the job that pays the bills while I work hard to fulfill the dream. I’m also really trying, but struggling with quitting my vices. Smoking and drinking have been hard to quit since I’ve made these huge changes in our lives. A bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes have always soothed me through rocky waters. I’m working on it, really. 23244060_10210616614722542_8848400060239516600_n

So here I am again, re-starting the blog and ONCE AGAIN restructuring my novel to fit my new experiences and feelings on life and love. After all, I’m a romance novelist. Love is everything and I want to capture it perfectly. My characters have grown with me and they have to fit the story.

Wish me luck fellow bloggers, writers and single mothers! Writers, artists and inventors are really just sailors. We’re discovering life and capturing every moment, every feeling and experience on paper or canvas. It’s our captains log and baby, I’m gonna sail the world!

Planting Seeds

I can’t deny that I’ve been completely unmotivated writing my novel these past few days. The characters are perfect, the scenes I have in mind are great, but the plot is just too wild. It’s all over the place and what I thought began as a great idea has quickly fizzled into erratic scenes from my past that come together to form a very emotional and shit novel.

In my despair, I called my best girl friend. She suggested I just come out and write my memoir. Screw the novel, just write what you really want to write. At first this seemed like a good idea. My story is interesting, long and there are so many wonderful and meaningful moments. Luckily, I called my best guy friend (and 2nd muse) next and he talked me out of it. I mean, honestly, who am I, right now, to be writing the memoir? Who would read it and why?

It’s not that it wouldn’t be great, but first I should actually fulfill my dream so the memoir ends on that note. “I became the novelist I always knew I would. I also fell in love with a millionaire and had lots of sex and babies along the way…”


I decided to plow on with this novel and spent another 30 minutes attempting to find the point of my story. What am I trying to say? At least, what makes this story different or worth reading?

This led to considering scrapping the novel once more, but picking up my original idea, born in 2009. I pulled out my old book of outlines and character bios and started plucking away at that. The characters were SO stale! My 2009 self had a very limited idea of love and people in general.

So I slept on it. I slept and an idea was born! When I woke up this morning, I realized that I had a book with wonderful characters and another with a great plot and no characters! HELLO!!! I worked on this in my mind and again on paper once my three year old was tucked into bed. In creating this new plot, I am still able to save a majority of my written manuscript. For the most part, the scenes can mold into my new plot.

My favorite part of this idea is that it’s more fictional than what I’ve been working on. It’s still a very character driven plot, but it’s much more fun and with a great twist.


I’ve read a lot of books on writing books and they all say that two or more seemingly unrelated ideas can eventually come together to form a great novel. I FINALLY used this in practice and I LOVE being a writer!

I’ll try and get it into a bit more detail as the story progresses, but to all my fellow writers, I just want to say I am so proud to be among you tonight. I am also so grateful to have such supportive and creative friends to give me that little push when I need it.

Although, I must admit…it drives me crazy when either doesn’t like one of my ideas. I am such hypocrite sometimes, I know, but I take it with grace, I swear! Okay, I think…

Have a great day friends! Make every word count;)

Books On Writing Books

This weekend has been a fairly unproductive writing weekend. After an amazing push on the novel Wednesday night, I found myself busy with other things Thursday to Sunday.

My baby girl’s, father’s side of the family was having a huge get together this weekend. They were celebrating her grandmother’s 70th birthday and I volunteered to help cut together a compilation video of relatives wishing her happy birthday. It took all day Friday & of course Saturday was the party. Sunday I was a bit hungover. I’m sad that I lost three days in a row, but also glad to have spent some time with Lexy’s family. I think it’s super important to maintain a close relationship with her ENTIRE family. It’s for this reason I even attempt to have a relationship with my very complicated mother.

I did keep morale up by reading books on writing books during most of my downtime. This weekend I re-read Lawrence Block’s, Telling Lies For Fun And Profit and I also began Stephen King’s book, On Writing. I always find these books super inspiring, especially on days when I feel like a total fraud at the keyboard. Just do it, they say, and I believe them. image1 (1)

I love Lawrence Block and highly recommend him to all my fellow writers! The audible version is read by the author and he made me laugh. Stephen King, well I’ll save my review until I’ve finished the book.

I hope you’re having a great week friends!

“I never know what I’m going to write about next, and when I think I do I usually turn out to be mistaken.”

-Lawrence Block

The Beginning of Your “Writing Shift”

I like to think of my writing as a job. I have to write for a certain number of hours each night with a goal of five pages minimum. The trouble is, I start my “shift” at 10 pm. Now, I’m usually a midnight writer, or so I like to call myself. It’s just that lately, with my days so full of activity, things like the gym, the pool and household chores, I’m usually exhausted by the time I make it to my word document. I find myself blocked and my mind wanders uncontrollably.

Tonight, I am planning a quick meditation and back to work. After this post of course. I just thought I’d share this quick thought and ask for any advice you might have.

What do you do to keep your mind fresh and focused?

Midweek Catch-Up

So I know I haven’t had a lot of time to catch up with my blog here, but it’s a lot of work. This social media thing takes time. There’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and jeepers! That’s so much! Each of these venues have a different purpose and I have yet to master the tricks of the trade. As a writer, I have to up my social media presence. Publishers expect you to do a lot of the initial publicity by maintaining “an audience” or as some call it “a following.” The former seems a bit pretentious and the latter seems kind of cult-y…

Either way, I’m working on it.image1 (5)

So now, just in case I have trouble updating my favorite blog (this one…obviously…) I dub Wednesdays my weekly “Catch-Up Days.” On these days, I’ll give you a quick update on number of pages finished (for the novel), calories burned for the week, cigarettes smoked (I”m trying to quit) and dates had (trying to quit this too). So here we go:

Cigarettes smoked this week, starting Monday: 6

Calories Burned: 390 (I just got back on the treadmill today)

Pages written: 46

Dates attended: 0; there was some mild contact (texting) with male suitors, but nothing riveting

Overall, this was a good week. I wrote a lot. I spent very little time worried about men. I got back to the gym. I spent lots of time with Alexis and re-established our night time routine to include chapter books, sans pictures. I also spent a lot of time with my girlfriends. image2.PNG

My best friend was in town and an old friend came back from Guam. My bestie and I started planning our Vegas trip, for marketing/networking purposes. This means I have a new deadline for my manuscript. I have to have it finished, at least the rough copy, by October. More on this later.

My old friend, Kiki, is back after a year gone. We’d been estranged for a while, but since she’s been back she’s on this crazy motivated path to…redemption seems dramatic, but she is definitely trying hard to be a better version of herself. She’s working 7 days a week and she’s quit drinking and smoking. She even hooked me up with a great website and job opportunity; it’s teaching children from China English. I’m not sure I’ll have time, but I’m looking into it. I’m super proud of her and so glad she’s in my life now, while I’m also trying to improve myself. It was meant to be, I think.

It’s been a very productive week, but it felt more like rest and relaxation. I need human interaction. Let me clarify: I need adult, human interaction. Sometimes, anyway. I need more people in my life that foster growth and I think this is the first time in my life I’m realizing it doesn’t need to be a man I’m…sleeping with.

I know that’s sad, but better late than never, right?

The writer in me is happy, the mom in me is proud & the hopeless romantic can kiss my ass. This week (and several to come) is all about empowerment;)


Writing, Mom-ing, & Dating

Today’s writing project is coming along so perfectly. I’m really enjoying the new direction my book has taken. Characters really do lead the story along and I’m really happy that the book is more fiction and less of a memoir. As a memoir, the story can stand alone, but fiction, especially romance, needs a bit more “pure” love and a little less realism.

Alexis has been home for a week now, since her mini-vacation and we’ve had a great week. My best friend and her daughter are in town until Tuesday so we’ve been spending time with them and lots of time outdoors. I’m still searching for a good preschool. image2 (2)

I found a nanny position that is twice a week and I get to bring her with me. I’m really excited about it because I miss working with kids and I also miss guaranteed money. When I was teaching preschool, I remember coming home feeling really accomplished, having taught (at least a few) children something new about the world. I’m also waiting to find out about my application to teach children from China, English.

I’m now on the hunt for a job that I can keep long-term. I found the perfect apartment for me and Lex in a town, not too far from her dad. The gym is beautiful! It doesn’t offer a room for Alexis to play in while I run, but I’ll figure something out. I am set to move into the new place in October and the ex has been so supportive. I think we’re closer now than we’ve ever been since we have nothing left to argue about. We’re just happy to be allowed to do our own things and be our own people.

Speaking of which, dating is still the pits. Mr. Robinson is apparently not married, so he says. I kind of believe him, but for some reason I wasn’t as happy as I thought I would be when he told me that he wasn’t. He’s just so unpredictable. One second he’s texting me throughout the day, the next day (or 7) he’s not speaking to me at all. He’s also big on “sexting” which only makes me feel more expendable.

I’ve also been texting back and forth with someone we’ll call Mr. Dubs. He’s much more of a gentleman. Robinson is so direct and outspoken, whereas Dubs is much more subtle. He’s asking to fly me to Vegas, since my best friend and I have now decided not to go. I told him I’m moving into my new apartment that month and it’s just bad timing, but he says the offer stands. He wants to get to know me better and he says he needs a dance partner during the night events at clubs and such. This man is a terrible dancer, but he’s terribly charming & the accent. When we were on our first vacation I remember melting when he asked me to stay in bed with him. Just a wee bit longer. The way he looked at me… I am such a sucker for a man that knows how to stare in awe. I can’t go though. I’ll be super busy and wouldn’t be fair to my friend who is actually a part of the company hosting the weekend in Vegas. I’d feel so weird hanging out with her colleagues while she was stuck at home.

So that is my week for you. I’m once again restructuring my life & at this point, coincidentally, my novel as well. I still suck at dating, but have yet to stop attempting. I’m still a kick ass mom and I’ve enjoyed this break from work. I’ve always loved having open days with my girl, though I do miss the security of steady work.

Wish me luck on a better week to come.



Saturday 6: Happy Endings

1. I went to the gym and rocked the treadmill even though I was not in the mood. I got on and told myself I’d just walk for 60 minutes if I have to, The music and the adrenaline got my spirits up and I found myself running. I so needed it.

2. My brother is on vacation with my baby this weekend and he called asking if he could take her to the waterpark without my mom. He’s 24 and I was extremely hesitant to say yes. I told him to watch her no matter what. Stay with my 3 year old and my 15 year old sister AT ALL TIMES! Kids get snatched all the time, I’ve read so many horror stories and while it’s not easy to decipher which are true, enough are to keep me worried. Apparently, he ditched my sister with my kid and did his own thing. I am so done with him. Maybe enough time will pass that I’m over it, but right now I am LIVID.

3. Before all of this, I spent my afternoon after the run poolside. It was incredible. I tanned and listened to music. I wrote and even changed a major plot line in my novel, but I’ll get to that.

4. I spent the rest of the evening catching the latest episode of GOT, having a veggie burger and a glass of wine in the bubble bath. I so needed time alone. No music to stifle my thoughts. Just me and my story in an empty, clean apartment.

5. I found out about the water park thing as I was writing this post. SOOO MAD!

6. I changed the plot AND ending to my novel. This sucks because I’ll have to scrap a majority of my written work and restructure a lot of what I’ve already written. I don’t care because my new concept has more meaning. It makes more sense and in the end the main character gets a happy ending that she’s worked her ass off for. It’s worth it. image1 (3)

Bonus: My date two nights ago sucked. It was pleasant enough, but at no point did I let my guard down or feel like myself. We talked (or he did) politics the entire time.

I’ve decided to stop dating for at least 3 months. Today was especially beautiful because there was no angst or pressure building up to some over-hyped date in the evening. When I know I’m going out, I spend the day anxious to know how it will all work out. Will we have fun? Is he going to be the new guy? Will I have sex?

I spent my day living in the moment. I went to the gym and took my time. I took my time on everything. For the record, I came by myself and that too was amazing. Right now, I just need to focus on my book and my baby girl. I need to work hard and I need to get comfortable being alone because Mr. Right might not be right around the corner.

While I don’t plan on pursuing anyone anymore, I’m not closing down the channels. If I meet someone shopping or at the bookstore than of course I’ll give it a shot, but I’m done trying. Short skirts and modest heels have thus far gotten me nowhere, ya know?

I should note that none of this applies to Mr. Robinson because…love. I fell for that guy 5 years ago and it stuck. If he never calls that’s fine, but if he does, I’ve got to see where it goes, because..LOVE. I don’t know him, the him that he is today, but the him I knew 5 years ago is everything I crave today. Ya never know, right? Also love. Right??

Constructive Dating

I met a man last night. I couldn’t write and so I decided to walk to the bar across the street and have a drink. While I was there, I got a text from an Irish man I met in the Dominican Republic. We’re supposed to meet again in Vegas this October and he was asking if that plan was still a go, to which I responded, “Probably.” Now this is a story for another time, but considering this man actually is married, though in the process of a divorce, I don’t put a lot of stock or effort into maintaining this “thing” we have.

As I sat at the bar texting my best friend, I was interrupted by a man asking if he could buy me a drink. He invited me to his table and in the end, I gave his friend my number. The man that bought me a drink was very talkative. He was kind and thoughtful, but very opinionated. The friend was soft spoken, but I liked the way he watched me. He was also very handsome, part Turkish and Armenian.

When I left the bar he texted to tell me he loved my “professional behavior.” He also mentioned that my smile attracted several people and he liked that I focused on who I was talking to. We’re going to dinner tomorrow night, for another one of my dinners and conversations. The way I think of it is like this, if you don’t play the lottery, you ‘ll never win. Eventually, I will meet someone I love spending time with and in the meantime, I’m picking up new characters for my book.

On a mom note, I was watching my daughter and her friend Clara tonight (a freelance babysitting gig) and I went outside to take out the trash. Clara, a feisty 2 year old, managed to lock me out. I was so nervous because my phone was in the house so I had no way of contacting my boss. I was knocking on the door and trying to sound very clear when I begged, “Clara, unlock the door.” My daughter, I knew would have no idea how to do this. I was petrified knowing my 3 year old and this 2 year old were stuck inside without me.


Luckily, I found my way in through the back door. Once I took a few breaths I realized their town home had a back entrance. I know…I was only trapped outside for five minutes though so give me a break=(

Tonight, I am experiencing a touch of writers block. I have a new character in mind, but I don’t know what I want to do with him. Instead, I’ll fall asleep meditating on it and usually I dream something good. Sometimes.

Good night loves:)

When Life Gets Rough, Live In Your Novel

So after a melancholy morning, in which I moped about a guy, my daughter arrived home, super happy to see me. The second I embraced her my spirits lifted. The first thing she wanted to do was go to the pool so we did. I was happy to, I needed the vitamin D for a little boost of joy. We spent the rest of the afternoon making spaghetti (her favorite), eating popsicles, and reading stories. Every time she’s gone for more than a day she comes home with so many new words. I read her The Story of Little Babaji and when the tiger puts shoes on his ears, she tells me,

“Mommy, that’s bizarre!” She’s such a cheeky little thing. I’m so proud of her. I put her to sleep reading aloud Nights in Rodanthe, my latest Nicholas Sparks novel. I finished it and I was bawling. It’s such a beautiful story and of course it reminded me so much of my long distance relationship with Basil. He’d be in Dubai, on a completely different day, finding new ways to write and tell me he loved me.

Of course, this gave me fuel to start writing. I wrote ELEVEN pages last night! I mean, I was lost in my story, smiling like I was really there experiencing life through my characters eyes. When I was tired, I printed the pages and edited them in bed. I love paper and the editing process. For me, it’s so romantic with a gel pen and a mug full of Earl Grey, the scratchy sounds of my Rod Stewart album playing softly in the background.

I woke this morning smiling because I was proud of myself and excited to start again. As much as I miss sex and especially romance… the act of making love and the satisfaction of resting in his arms after hours of desire and need… okay I lost my train of thought…


Only joking! Honestly though, as much as I miss being with someone I truly adore, I don’t want to rush the process. If I can keep writing like this, I could finish this novel in less than two months. Dates with these random guys are usually just a waste of time. I get free dinners, mediocre conversation and half-hearted good night kisses. That’s time I could have spent writing and accomplishing, I dunno, my goal in life.

I think this thing with Mr. Robinson really got to me because it’s been so long since I’ve made love to a man. Unlike any of the dates I’ve been on, I’d already made a place for him in my heart & all I could think about were the many things I’d let that man do to me when we made it back to his hotel room. There were so many moments in our past where he’d corner me and whisper these hot things in my ear. Something about a fireplace and I don’t quite remember, but I do remember thinking he was the kind of guy who, if I let him, would pick me up and press me against a wall… I cannot let my hormones dictate my feelings. I don’t really know Mr. Robinson anymore so if this fizzles and dies, it’s seriously no big deal. I’ve got to remember this.


As for now, I have a novel to write, a daughter to raise and did I mention I have a night job? I’ve got plenty to keep me busy while I wait for my Paul Flanner (that’s a Rodanthe reference, so get hip;P).




Mr. Robinson

So the novel is coming along and on that front at least, life is good.

On the other hand, I am in trouble. I recently reached out to an old boss of mine. We had a chemistry I’d never forgotten and I was hoping, if he was single, we would go on a date. As it turned out, he doesn’t live close by anymore. We had been texting all night and eventually he even made plans to come see me on Saturday night. We were going to have champagne and spend the evening together.

He stood me up without even texting to say he wasn’t coming. The next morning he called with a good excuse for everything, but I was so hurt. I haven’t liked someone the way I like him since the ex I’m writing a novel about. While I’ve certainly been taken with someone based on their looks or common interests, there has always been something missing in those connections. My guy, lets call him Mr. Robinson, because he’s a bit older, has everything. He’s kind of scary, in a way that demands perfection, but he treats me like I’m his weakness. He’s kind and funny. He’s playful and handsome. He’s also very passionate and has the perfect voice. I LOVE his voice. When I worked for him, he’d whisper things in my ear and it drove me crazy. I was in love with someone else at the time, but I had a special (VERY secret) place for him in my heart.

image1 (2)

I knew I was in big trouble the second he said he wasn’t coming on Saturday. I was all dressed up in my little black dress, when my heart plunged into my stomach and my smile vanished. I didn’t know what to do and I felt so numb. I decided I didn’t want to be alone so I went out with a girlfriend, but the second I was surrounded by people I didn’t want to be there either. A few men bought me drinks, but I spent the whole time comparing them to my guy. I’ll get over it fairly quickly, if I have to, but I honestly hope I don’t have to. Maybe I’m over-analyzing the situation and he’s really just busy. He really did get a random bout of food poisoning and he’s not secretly married…

So anyway, I’ve been a little down these past two days and it’s been surreal. I’m thinking of a new novel though! While I may not wind up dating this guy, he is an excellent character for a novel about an affair. The beast to be tamed kind of guy.

I need to finish my first one first though. At least I know I ran into him for a reason. If not because he’s meant to be mine, than at least to inspire new stories.


Feeling The Flow

I don’t have much time tonight, but I did want to get this quick tip out there. Lately, I’ve been meditating to focus on my book: the characters, the dialogue, the setting. It’s been incredible. Each session at the keyboard produces a minimum of three pages and I find myself immersed in my story throughout the day.

I found a few meditations for writers on youtube, but this one is my favorite so far:

Meeting Your Muse

It’s been helpful! Anyway, I must run. Duty calls, but when I come back I have so much to share.


Monday Motivation

“It is perfectly fine to write garbage-

as long as you edit brilliantly.”

-C.J. Cherryh

This Weeks Goals

  1. Take Alexis, my daughter, on an adventure. Wander into DC and walk around exploring or dance classes. Something, but it has to be a whole just for her.
  2. Record my first Vlog. I’ve decided to do a vlog instead of a podcast. After 50 takes listening to my own voice, I decided I couldn’t take it. At least with a vlog it’s a bit less editing.
  3. Write a minimum of 7 pages, but shoot for 15!
  4. Earn a minimum of $800 in tips this week (always strive for more!).
  5. Burn a minimum of 1200 calories & use higher weights on the machines.

So last week I wasn’t the best at accomplishing any of my goals. They all changed on me at some point. I decided I didn’t need an outline or character bios for my novel. I would just start writing the thing and let the characters guide me in the right direction. That worked much better for me. Also, my characters don’t need bios because as you know, they exist in real life.

I decided against the podcast because I wasn’t a fan of my own voice. Somehow video is less intimidating because there’s no need to really edit yet. It can start as a Q & A themed coffee talk and grow into something bigger when I start traveling. I can take my time learning to edit and everything. Ps. I’m traveling in just 9 days!! I can’t wait to see the west coast for the first time!!

I didn’t lose any weight, I don’t think, but my body looks different and I don’t think losing is the issue. I think it’s just toning, so to that effect I did fine. I burned a lot of calories and did a lot of strength exercises. I’m calling it a win.

This was the best writing weekend so far! I have been in the moment, feeling the flow and producing the words. My best friend has been having 20 minute (or more) brainstorming sessions with me and I’ve even entrusted her to edit some of my drafts. It’s all starting to feel so real. I’m a writer that writes! Crazy, right? HA!

It has been so difficult writing out my story and my friend even asked, if I thought it was healthy to do so.

“What’s the point?” she asked.

The point is those feelings inside me are there anyway. The love, the gratitude and the forgiveness. I’ll always miss him and love him on some level, not to write about it is a waste. What we had was incredible and it deserves a place on my bookshelf and yours too. It can be sad and difficult at moments, but once I shut the laptop, I never lose sight of the reality of today.

I’m still happy, still excited about the future and still writing;)


Saturday Summary

This week flew by so quickly! My job is going well, although sometimes the hours get to me. My circadian rhythm is a bit off and I get tired around 2 in the afternoon even on days I’m not working. Adding up tips, I made a total of $682 this week. I made $411 just on Monday, which says a lot about Tuesday through Thursday, but the weekly sum is good and that’s what matters to me.

As far as the gym, I’ve been 4 times and I’m up to 3 miles a day. I’m increasing the weights on some of the arm and leg machines too!  Alexis has had a few play dates with kids at the pool and she’s also really into baking cookies this week.

Okay, so onto my writing. I finished fourteen pages, all focusing on the past. I want to write more of the novel, the present fiction, but it’s been so difficult to write Basil as a man today. I’m a totally different person than I was 5 years ago. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’s like today. It would be easier if I didn’t know he were a real person because then I could imagine him into the man I want him to be. I think I’ll get there though. Once I find that perfect flow that I know all of my writer friends out there understand.

As long as I get my podcast finished by tomorrow, I’ll have accomplished this weeks Weekly Goals<3

Memory Lane & The Not-So-Subtle-Art of Autobiographical Fiction

So my novel is a thinly disguised piece of non-fiction, set in a fictional present. I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense so let me break it down.

I want closure for myself. The love of my life left me in 2013 and I’ve since been trying to capture the story on paper. It was a fucking whirlwind romance novel all on its own. I mean he flew me to London three times. Spur of the moment! He came to me three times (coincidentally). We took a road trip up the east coast to visit my childhood home & camped in front of a waterfall. We had incredible sex, made a 30 minute sex tape, had sex in public places and oh my God the sex!

Anyway, a novelist usually produces shit their first time around and this is the romantic garbage I want to spew out my first time completing a novel. I want to have a written piece of art that represents the most exciting, loving time in my life.

As I write, I use my journals for reference. The story is of us reconnecting on a Dominican resort, shocking, considering I’ve just been to the DR. He’s there on a bachelor party vacation week and I’m there at a writer’s conference. The present is all fiction. It’s what I perceive might happen if we reunited. We’d love each other, we’d maybe even make love, but the end would be the same. We were a tragedy not a romance. There are going to be a few journal entries, receipts and email exchanges that are all non-fictional (no photos) and that’s where I get to tell my truth.

It’s so hard going through it all again. In one entry, I wrote the following (Keep in mind there’s a time difference between us; he’s in Dubai and I’m in DC. Also I’m not editing any of my entry so enjoy all of my 22 year old, like, slang):

“Sometimes I feel like maybe he’s like…the one or something. Just writing it down feels so embarrassing because obviously… But it’s so hard to believe there’s not something so special about whatever this is. Tonight he said the worst part about hanging up was that I would be going to sleep and he’d spend his day knowing he could be in bed with me, making him even lonelier. That is exactly how I feel when I’m at work and I say goodnight to him before my shift. Somehow, he seems to match every feeling I have, only he puts into words better than I ever could. I feel so much like I’m in love, I wanna say it. It isn’t right to do that, I mean, make such a huge proclamation via Skype. But he makes me so happy, I miss him so much and it’s hard to contain those feelings sometimes. I’m just scared. I’m so terrified that all of this may be genuine, but one day he’ll wake up and feel differently about me. Danielle [my friend] got to me, just a little, when I told her about him, but I believe in Basil. He says not to worry about what others think and just to focus on the time. Two more weeks and he’ll be living with me for the summer. We’ll know exactly what this is and I can stop second guessing. I need to sleep, it’s 3 am and I want the days to pass quickly.

-J. ”

It is so hard sometimes. I hate reliving my past joy because a part of me still misses him so much that if I wanted to, if I had the time, I might curl into a ball, in his Led Zeplin tee and cry. I would smoke our favorite cigarette, drink red wine and cry thinking about the way he would take off my earrings before we fell asleep at night. The way he looked at me with love and left a hand on my knee anytime we went anywhere.

I’ve reached a point in my story where I don’t know what he’d say anymore. If the story is set in our present, 5 years after our past, I don’t know what he would say as the new man he must be now. Reading the journals helps a little, but sometimes they hurt a lot.

Do any of you keep a journal? It’s a blessing and a curse, no?


Monday Motivation

“Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

-Louis L’Amour

Today has been a great Monday. I am currently experimenting with a Weekly Goals list as well as a daily To-Do list to help me achieve those 5 goals.

This Weeks Goals

  1. Record my first episode of The Mission For Mom Podcast.
  2. Create character bios for my three lead novel characters.
  3. Daily blog posts (xoxo).
  4. Finish the novels outline.
  5. Lose 2-3 lbs from my tummy.

Today’s Accomplishments

  1. I ran for 3 miles and burned 411 calories on the treadmill.
  2. I can currently do about 3/4 of one chin up, multiple times throughout the day. HA!
  3. I did ab, arm and leg work-outs for an extra 30 minutes.
  4. I read a chapter of my current romance novel, The Light of Paris, by Eleanor Brown. I wasn’t super into it, but I give ALMOST every novel a 5 chapter test unless it’s really bad. I’ll let you know if it’s worth it. It’s important that I read books in my genre to keep my writing style fresh and up to date!
  5. I took my daughter to the pool and also on an hour long play date with a neighbor.
  6. I took a two hour nap in preparation for my night shift. 8 pm to 3 am. Oy!

Overall today was great as far as my family and fitness goals were concerned. I started the morning ready to write and realized I had to use that time to backup my computer and free up some space for my audio programs. I’m really disappointed I didn’t get a chance to finish any of the book, but I think tomorrow I’ll block off at least 3 hours to it. 

On a very side note, I broke things off with the 24-year old. He was very sweet, but I don’t have time at all to date someone that isn’t spectacular. I barely have time to write my own To-Do Lists everyday. I can’t wait until I have the weekend to cuddle my girl and write late into the evening. This week I’m working Monday through Thursday. Then I get 3 days of vacation!

Tomorrow I will work on my book! I will spend QUALITY time with my girl!

I’ll let you know how that goes;)


A Mission For Mom: Podcast

I’ve decided to start a podcast that’s exclusively found here on this blog. I met a writer from the New York Times on Thursday night while I was working. He told me a great way to branch out is to literally put your voice out there. He suggested I start a weekly podcast to coincide with my blog and I am so for it!

Any suggestions?


Best-Worst Date Ever

***To recap, I gave my number to a hot guy from CVS. He texted me that afternoon, and I’d been super excited about our date, originally scheduled for today (Sunday). ***

We began texting so much that I couldn’t wait to see him and we decided to go on a date Friday instead. I was so excited that I dressed up in my cutest crop-top and pants that make me look slim with a modest heel (all black). I kept my hair big, curly and wild. I thought maybe I could convince him to go dancing.

He showed up in a band tee, jeans and tennis shoes. He was very attractive, but I knew within minutes that this would be our only date. Here were the deal-breakers:

  1. He doesn’t eat vegetables.
  2. He doesn’t drink (which may not have bothered me, but he was boring enough that I wanted to drink).
  3. He doesn’t work-out, he only diets. No carbs, no VEGETABLES and no junk food. I make time for the gym every day and I want my next partner to be motivating.
  4. He doesn’t dance.
  5. He doesn’t do karaoke.
  6. He doesn’t read.
  7. He doesn’t believe in college.
  8. He doesn’t mind working at CVS forever.
  9. He doesn’t believe in any type of afterlife or God or spirituality.
  10. He lives with his parents.
  11. He has NEVER had a girlfriend.

Number ten was the biggest red flag. It doesn’t really bother me that he’s a virgin, but as someone newly single I don’t want to lead on someone who might be super ready for a relationship. I don’t know how, but I was literally his first date.  I discovered later, he used to be overweight and only recently lost the weight.

*To clarify, I am certainly dating with the intent of meeting the proverbial “right one,” but I want to go on several dates and meet many people before I decide who that person is. I’ve been in a relationship (the wrong one) for 8 years and I don’t want to make the same mistakes.  *

Anyway, I decided to continue the date so he didn’t have a bad first date experience. We drove to my favorite sports bar, split a calamari (his choice) and I had two gin and tonics. He was actually really fun to talk to, especially once I had my first drink. He was very attractive so if I let go of all the “red flags,” and focused on his beautiful eyes, I just wanted to kiss him.

We stayed until nearly 1:30 in the morning and when we got back to his car, I let him kiss me goodnight. It was actually a good kiss. He put his hands on my face and when it was over he put his forehead on mine. He asked if I wanted to do this again and I couldn’t help but say, “Yes.” He was so sweet and I really, genuinely wanted him to be happy.

It was a great first date, but I can’t do this again. If I were younger and we had time to grow together, it’d be another story. I’m a mother and I need a man in my life. I’m already raising a beautiful young girl, I don’t have the time to help raise that beautiful young man. I’m working, I’m writing, I’m teaching, I’m loving and I’m not getting enough sleep. If I find someone, I want to find a rock. I need a man that knows his place in the world and respects my goals and dreams and pushes me to reach them.

So I’m going to call him and explain my position gently.

“I like you and if I were younger or didn’t have a daughter I would really want to try and make this work. I just don’t want to start a new relationship so soon and it’s not fair to you that I’d like to date a few people before deciding to settle down.”

Maybe this will make him feel less like it’s his fault and more like I need to explore first??

This was actually my first date as single mom. Nothing on my vacation counts because that was all in good fun, so to speak. For my first date, it was very nice. Dinner and kisses were a forgotten joy until then. Best-worst-date ever.



You’ll Never Know If You Don’t Ask

I went back to CVS (with my daughter) and I picked up some laundry detergent, which I had legitimately forgotten. I had already prepared my number on the back of the receipt he had given me earlier and my full name, just in case he wanted to Facebook me.

My heart was pounding as I tried to avoid eye contact and grabbed the bag of laundry tabs. I was so grateful that he took me at his register, but at this point all of my nerves were on edge and I was a mess. He rang me up and when he gave me my change, I took the slip and I was barely able to make eye contact as I handed him the slip of paper. With a goofy smile I said,

“This is for you. It’s just my number…if you wanna call.” He smiled and said thanks, with this super sexy glint in his eye. I can’t really describe it, but it’s like he was “turning on the charm,” or something.

Alexis was holding gum so I was like, “Come on baby, put it back. Mommy’s dying a little inside right now.” As I left with her hand in mine, I was smiling, nervously and still happily at the same time. I think he watched me leave, but I’ll never know.

I felt so good and so nervous after! I was excited and anxious.

He finally texted me, about 5 hours later and it turns out his name is Diego. Such a hot guy name, right? He said he thought what I did was “cute,” and he’s taking me to brunch on Sunday. I’m so excited, but truth be told, I’ve already kind of forgotten what he looks like. I know he made an impression on me, but the two times we met, the moment lasted less than 5 minutes… I think he looks a little bit like Nick from the Handmaid’s Tale.

Anyway, lesson learned today:

You’ll never know if you can have what you want, if you don’t ask. 


Making The First Move

I used to nanny for a living only a year ago. Since then I’ve been at home studying to finish my associates and spending time with my little one. Today, I was supposed to watch one of my old charges, a sweet 2-year-old cutie, for just a few hours. I woke up to a text at 8:20 asking where I was and I realized I was supposed to be in Arlington by 8 am!

I put on a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops. Alexis was already dressed, thank goodness! We ran to the car and arrived at our destination at about 9 AM. I looked ragged.

Alexis still needed a lunch and I’d skipped packing one so I walked the girls (in an over sized double stroller) to the CVS just a block or two away. I also needed false lashes for my night job and a new eyeliner. When I got to the register, I bumped into the counter and apologized, but when I looked up this gorgeous man was smiling at me. Laughing on the inside, I’m sure. Not necessarily in a bad way though- I hope.

I set down my items and immediately regretted choosing his register. This guy was so handsome and he could see my fake lashes on the counter. I was so quick to say, “I’m going on vacation soon.. there’s going to be a lot of dinners there…” Eww I’m so awkward!!!

He responded with a smile and asked where I was going, to which I lied, “The Dominican Republic.”

“Fancy,” he smiled again. Uuuugh…his smile made me weak in the knees. I asked him this stupid question,

“Can I ask you a question,” and he said yes. “How old are you?”

He asked me to guess so I said maybe 22 and he said I was 2 years off. I was kind of disappointed because I thought that meant he was 20, but no, he’s 24! I felt like we were kind of flirting. I’m not positive. A few hours have passed and my memory is already fuzzy.

I’m going back in today, in 20 minutes to buy some laundry detergent which I genuinely did forget. WHAT DO I SAY? This isn’t even my CVS; I’m 30 minutes away in another city so worst case scenario is that he says he can’t give me his number and I NEVER go back again. HA! Seriously though…NEVER.

On “Gainful” Employment

My daughter’s father, my best friend, and I have been separated for about a month now. We’ve been together since 2008, with a two year gap in between that I might write about later. We’ve finally thrown in the towel on us, for the sake of our daughter. Neither of us want her to believe that arguing is a healthy form of communication. We’re just different and we want different things.

The plan was simple. I’d find a job, preferably at night, and we’d continue to live together until I found a place. Neither of us are allowed to date openly until then. Unfortunately, it’s been so difficult to find a job that allows me to come in at 5 pm.

I finally found a job tending bar in a trendy city lounge. The hours are 8 pm to 3 am. I don’t arrive home until nearly four and then I need to shower before bed because I’m sweaty and disgusting. By 9 am I have to wake up, love on my kid and keep her active: parks, pools, workbooks- anything to keep her mind stimulated.

This leaves me either as soon as I wake up or just before work to keep writing. The trouble is, I’m a Midnight Writer. I produce my best ideas and most fluid dialogue over a glass of red, in a quiet apartment at midnight.

I’ve been offered a position at a smaller, calmer restaurant and the hours are 5 pm to 10 pm. It’s a French bistro and it means I get to practice my language skills. It’s also jazzy and so much more my scene.

Do I take a lower paying job and improve my quality of life (more sleep, more opportunity to write, and better work place)? Or do I keep the four day a week, wild-child job where I make more money? More money means I get to move into my own apartment with Baby Girl sooner rather than later.

I feel like the answer is obvious, but I want to hear what you think. What would you do if you wore my shoes?

Writing Is SO Hard!

While I am determined to finish my novel this year, as in 2017, I am finding it so difficult to get my affairs in order here. I am what they call, a Midnight Writer. I produce my best ideas at night, because the house is quiet, my daughter is asleep and all of my chores are finished.

I am a little overwhelmed with where to start at the moment. I’ve got 8 pages of a 350-ish page novel finished. It’s not polished, but it’s written. I also have to vamp up my social media presence. I had no idea it was so important. Before this year, I thought it was all just vanity. Silly me.

So now I am constantly torn between the maintenance of this new blog and the production of pages for my book.

I just wish that words flowed as fast as my ideas. I basically have my whole novel written in my mind. I know almost everything that will happen from beginning to end, but the trouble is finding the words to describe the scenery and the emotion behind the characters situation. I think it’s mostly a fear that my descriptions will suck. They’re supposed to though! It’s my first novel. Which leads me to my next issue.

The biggest hurtle for me is the fact that my novel revolves around my ex. I know that sounds silly and disgusting even, but if ever a whirlwind romance there was, that was it for me. He lived in Europe, flew me to London on my first ever trip out of the country and made love to me like no man has since. I’m not in love with him anymore, but he was my first real adventure. He opened up worlds to me that might still be closed without him. He’s also very easy to fall in love with, making him a great leading man in my book. It’s been a bit extremely difficult to go through my old journals and recapture moments of sheer joy I thought I’d since forgotten. I don’t love him in that way anymore, but I’ll never forget how much I did. I’ll never forget and that’s why this has to be my first novel. The first is supposed to suck and it’s also supposed to be the story you NEED to tell.

I will prevail. It takes 14 days to form a habit, or so they say, and I’m only day 4. The words will eventually flow. This blog will eventually come together. Before I know it, I’ll be previewing my first few chapters here and God willing, you’ll love them.